The Little Panda Fighter Review
Bob: Hey, guys. Today, I come to you with some... kind of disappointing news. Now, usually I am more than happy to review the movies you guys suggest for me. Ever since I did "Tappy Toes", the one film that I got the most requests to do is "Chop Kick Panda". Cut to various clips from the aforementioned Flash-animated mockbuster of DreamWorks' "Kung Fu Panda". Bob: *voiceover* "Chop Kick Panda" is an obvious "Kung Fu Panda" ripoff from the same people who gave us "Tappy Toes". And here comes the disappointing part: I can't review this movie, at least not in the way I usually do. It's funny. The plot, though short and simple, makes total sense. The characters are likeable. Hell, it's even got a stronger villain than "Tappy Toes", which I think was my only complaint about that movie. If I have to complain about anything in "Chop Kick Panda", it's that it isn't as focused on action like "Kung Fu Panda" was, but what it's lacking in action is made up with comedy that works on every level, so I can't even complain about that. You want my opinion? Check it out and have yourself a good time. Yes, it's an obvious knockoff, but at least it's a well-executed knockoff. Bob: But for all the times that I've been asked to review this movie, it's obvious that a lot of you people out there have a jones for "Kung Fu Panda" knockoffs that must be slated. So that's why today we're going to look at "The Little Panda Fighter". *voiceover* Yes, "The Little Panda Fighter", brought to us by the infamous Brazilian animation studio, Video Brinquedo, who are responsible for such timeless gems like "Ratatoing", "The Little Cars", and "Gladiformers". And let's get this out of the way nice and early, so we don't dwell on it. The animation sucks, and it's made even worse by the fact that there's no real reason for it to suck. Ignoring the fact that these guys look like deflated Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons, or the fact that some of these bears have three fingers and some only have two for some reason, even characters that are this poorly modeled can be made to look OK if properly animated. And again, there's no reason for it to look this bad since computer animation can be fine-tuned and perfected more easily than hand-drawn or stop-motion animation. Bob: And do you want to know the really weird part? This terrible animation is actually going to be a plot point later on. *voiceover* Anyway, our movie takes place in a bar-slash-boxing ring where we meet our "Little Panda Fighter" protagonist, Pancada. And unlike Po from "Kung Fu Panda" who wanted to be a master in martial arts, Pancada just wants to be a maniac, maniac, on the floor. In Pancada's fantasy, he is wearing a blonde wig with a purple headband and matching shoes while attempting to dance. Unfortunately, he ends up stumbling and falling on his back. Bob: Yep, even in his dreams, Pancada sucks. *beat* This movie's gonna hurt... *voiceover* Sadly, this bar isn't seeing too much business these days, since its prized fighter wins every match that he's in. Polaris: I don't believe it, he's killing me, this guy! He wins every time! That's why no one comes to the fights no more, it's a joke! There's no suspense anymore! Everyone knows he's gonna win! Cut to a wide exterior shot of Bear Bar Box (yes, that's actually what it's called), where it seems like there's no other buildings surrounding it. Bob: *voiceover* I would argue that your lack of business may be coming from the fact that your bar is in the middle of freaking nowhere, but what do I know? And now we meet Honeybun (real name Beth), our creepy love interest who completely loathes Pancada, because she's the love interest, you see. Beth: Boy, pandas. *to Pancada, in a later scene* It's not like you ever have a date. Who'd go out with you? *laughing* Bob: *voiceover* Pancada asks his boss, Polaris, if he can go home early, and Polaris starts to lament about how he can't fight anymore, now that he's running the club. Polaris: When I inherited this club, I retired from the ring. Pancada: I wish I could help somehow, but I don't really know much about it, that is boxing, I mean. Polaris: Huh? But you must've watched loads of matches while you were working here! Pancada: Well, uh, to tell you the truth, I've never been much of a boxing fan, I find it a little too violent, it's just not my thing. I pretend to like it. Polaris: *chuckles* So you pretend, huh? Pancada: That's right. It's all an act, sir. Polaris sees an old poster in a frame of a masked bear in his office and gets an idea. Polaris: That's it! That's it! Pancada: What's it, Mr. Polaris? Polaris: You just gave me a great idea, kid! Bob: *voiceover* He later goes off to see his dancing instructor, and I'm just going to let this scene play out to show you how crappy the editing is in this movie. In the dojo, Pancada shows off his dance moves to Master Xin, who seems rather amazed. Then, it immediately cuts to them sitting and facing each other. Bob: *voiceover* Again, I didn't edit that! No trimming, no re-arranging of clips, it's like the movie's aware of how awkward it is, and it's cutting itself down before it can embarrass itself. Bob: But then again, if that were the case, the movie just would stop after the opening title. *voiceover* By the way, you know how in these kung fu movies, you get the wise, old mentor giving advice that sounds kind of backward and confusing when you first hear it, but will undoubtedly pay off by movie's end? Check out this movie's pearls of wisdom. Master Xin: Too much confusion can make you seem mentally unstable. I think you are unstable. Cut to a similar scene from "Chop Kick Panda". Bob: *voiceover* Now, let's see some wisdom from "Chop Kick Panda". Zibo: Since I'm just the janitor, I... Bali: Just? True that there is only one sun, but should we place any less value on those things of which there are many? Are they just flowers? Just trees? Just butterflies? Just bees? Everybody and everything has a place of equal importance in the universe. Bob: I don't know how wise that actually is, but at least it sounds convincing enough for me to think that it might be. *voiceover* We later cut to the bar again, where Polaris reveals his big idea. Polaris: *wearing a black jumpsuit* I present to you the Great Bear of Mystery! Be very afraid. At least, that's what I want you to call me as long as I'm wearing the suit. Pancada: Yeah, but, I'm not sure I'm catching on, Mr. Polaris. Polaris: It's simple, Pancada! This solves all our problems! I ain't allowed back in the ring without losing the club, but the Great Bear of Mystery can fight all he wants and no one's the wiser! Pancada: You know, I think maybe you've been working a little too hard, Mr. Polaris. Bob: I agree. There aren't any other polar bears in this movie, and you're enough of a regular presence within this bar for people to get suspicious as to why you and the Bear of Mystery are never in the same room at the same time. But... even if we assume your customers are dumb enough to believe in this disguise of yours and that you're not the Bear of Mystery, there's still one little problem with your plan here: you're not wearing a mask! '*voiceover* So Pancada goes to have Polaris's costume washed, and then we get to see this movie break the laws of time and space as Honeybun reads about a mysterious, new fighter in the newspaper. First of all, Polaris ''just got the idea to do this. Why is he in a newspaper already? Second, how slow is your news day when a local bar fighter being challenged makes the front page? Third, why is Polaris wearing a mask in this photo when he wasn't wearing one before? Fourth, you might be able to guess that Pancada's washing Polaris's costume will cause it to shrink, but how did it shrink down in this picture before he washed it? Cut to a clip of a review from Linkara's "Atop The Fourth Wall" featuring him and Phelous. '''Phelous: *sarcastic, giving two thumbs up* Great continuity! Bob: *voiceover* Anyway, the next fight comes, and it's here where we see that plot point that I mentioned earlier. Polaris shows up as the Bear of Mystery, by the way, very creative stage name, right? And his costume shrinks, so that he's actually mistaken for Pancada. Beth: *gasps* I don't believe it! Could it be? It looks like Pancada! Bob: Yep. This movie's entire premise works on the animation being so bad that we see objects actually passing through the character's skin, so that Polaris now looks like his fur resembles that of a panda. *beat* I can't tell if that's actually clever or just incredibly cheap. Beth: It is Pancada! Bob: *voiceover, as Beth* Sure he's about a foot taller, his hands are white, and he's lost a hundred pounds since the last time I saw him a few minutes ago, but it is Pancada! Freak Teddy: Get ready, mystery bear, I hope your have your insurance policy paid up, 'cause I'm about to make masked mincemeat out of you! Polaris: I'm afraid you're mistaken, thunder chump, because you're time is up! Bob: No, no, no, no, no, no, that's not how you trash-talk. Show 'em how it's done, Warrior. Cut to a clip from WrestleMania VI where The Ultimate Warrior is in a mock-interview before the match against Hulk Hogan. The Ultimate Warrior: You are nothing but a normal! You don't deserve to breathe the same air that I and Hulk Hogan do! *Throws Mooney out of the room* Hulk Hogan, I must ask you now as you asked me: do you, Hulk Hogan, want your ideas, your beliefs to live forever? Bob: *voiceover* And while Polaris wins the fight, we find Pancada at a dance competition. Judge: It's obvious to me that you have the talent, I just don't know if we have the room for you this time. Judge #2: Your dancing was all well and good, Mr. Pancada, but you can't do it at the expense of the choreography. Cut to a clip from Mad TV of Nicole Parker as Paula Abdul. Nicole Parker: You have- you're up there, and you just, you... *lowers her head and claps slowly* Bob: *voiceover* So Pancada shows up to work the next day, and everyone praises him for being the great fighter that they think he is, while he thinks they're talking about his dancing. Beth: You were just incredible, Pancada! Pancada: *bashful* Well, I don't think it's that big of a deal, really, it's just something I picked up a while back, you know? I guess I always had a natural talent and it was ready to blossom! Bob: And yes, this does end up biting him in the ass later on as you'd imagine, but you're not gonna see me get pissed off at the "Liar Revealed" trope, that idea has been done already. At this point, it's just a matter of how well that idea is being conveyed. Pancada: Well, I gotta get to work, I'll see you later, Honey. Beth: You sure will, you little kung-bear. Bob: *confused* ...What? Beth: You sure will, you little kung-bear. Bob: *still confused* ...What? Beth: You sure will, you little kung-bear. Bob: You know, I don't care how South American this movie may be, there is no room for that kind of language in a kids movie. *voiceover* But Polaris tells Pancada what everyone's actually talking about. Polaris: You see, that costume you washed shrunk so bad, I didn't look like a polar bear, I looked like a panda! Pancada: And let me guess, everybody thought it was me up there, right? Polaris: You nailed it on the head, kid. Pancada: *dejected* And here I thought they were all excited about my dancing... Bob: Yeah, exactly how could you think that? There was nobody around to see it! *voiceover* So Pancada agrees to let everyone think that it was him in the ring so Polaris can keep fighting. But after he spills the beans to his dance instructor, he decides that he should be the one fighting since he's getting all the glory for it. Pancada: *in the office, talking to Polaris* I wanna be the one to fight Teddy Thunders! Polaris: What?! Have you lost your mind, son? That's the craziest thing I ever heard! Pancada: But I figured out I do like how it feels to treated be a champ, Mr. Polaris! So that's why I wanna be a real champ, know what I mean? It's a matter of personal pride, you see! Polaris: Pancada, you're not a fighter, you're a dancer! Leave the fighting to me. Pancada: Mr. Polaris, I am prepared to blow the whistle to everybody, including the papers, unless you unconditionally agree to let me go into the ring against Teddy Thunders! One way, fairly and squarely! Bob: So, just to recap: Pancada likes all the new attention that Honey is giving him, and that is the only reason he continues on with this charade as set up by Polaris. Now he's actually going to go into the ring, fighting his own fights, where he'll no doubt get his ass handed to him, and Honey will now lose all affection for him. *beat* How is this a good idea? Pancada: It's a matter of personal pride! Bob: '''But you're gonna get yourself '''killed, or at least hospitalized. Pancada: It's a matter of personal pride! Bob: '''Also, Honey's gonna think you're a loser! '''Pancada: It's a matter of personal pride! Bob: '''You're probably gonna get fired for stealing your boss's last chance for glory. '''Pancada: It's a matter of personal pride! Bob: '*starting to lose patience* The Titanic suffered more casualties than it needed to because of ''pride. '''Pancada: It's a matter of personal pride! Bob: 'OK, fine! Go get yourself mangled, see if I care. *voiceover* So Polaris caves in and lets Pancada do the fighting, and of course we get the obligatory training montage set to faux-"Rocky" music. And suddenly I'm thinking back to this one line of dialogue that Polaris said ''before this all went down. '''Polaris: We got the public smack-dab where we want 'em! We can't lose 'em now, can we? We gotta give 'em what they want and fast! Bob: He wants the rematch now and fast, and now we're thrown into the middle of a training montage that lasts for several days, if not longer. But we've already established these fights happen nightly. With no one to fight while this montage is going on, I'm pretty sure these guys just lost whatever chance they had of getting the public what they wanted. Master Xin: Remember, if you fight like you dance, you can never go wrong. Bob: Lest we forget, Pancada actually failed at his last dance competition. *voiceover* So the night of the rematch comes, and Pancada is ready to go... sort of. Announcer: And in this corner, we have the current reigning and undisputed national heavyweight champ himself, weighing in at- hey kid, you're not on one of those shake diets, are you? Freak Teddy: '''He'll be shakin' tonight! *laughs, barely moving his mouth and body* '''Bob: *laughing and mimicking Freak Teddy's mouth/body movements* That was a good one. *laughs again* Grizzlepuss: Honey, I knew the turn-out would be good for this fight, but you should see how many bets I took! Beth: I've never seen so many customers here! I've already made a week's worth of tips! Bob: '...'There's nobody there! '*voiceover* So the fight begins and Pancada gets the ever-loving crap beaten out of him, when he starts to remember what his dance instructor told him. ''Pancada closes his eyes and imagines he's floating through the sky while his dance instructor's words of wisdom are heard. '''Master Xin: *voice* Remember, if you fight like you dance, you can never go wrong. Bob: *voiceover* And he starts doing some dance moves... and he still loses the match. Bob: *puzzled* ...Give the movie a point for realism? *shrugs, voiceover* So... yeah, unlike what most other kids movies or sports movies would do, Pancada loses the match. But it's OK, since Polaris actually bet against him, and now he's stinking rich. Polaris: Everybody out there thought you were gonna flatten Teddy Thunders for sure! Course, knowing Teddy Thunders, I knew that would be impossible. So that's why I... placed all my bets on Teddy. If that mohawked moron hadn't clobbered you, I wouldn't be rolling in dough today! Pancada: Whoa, Mr. Polaris! You must've won a truckload of money! Even I placed a bet on myself... Polaris: Listen, kid, there's gonna be lots of changes around here! Bob: *voiceover* And most of those changes involve Polaris jumping ship, proving he's the smartest character in this entire movie, signing the bar over to Pancada, and Pancada turning it into a dance hall. Oh, yeah, and Honey still likes him and isn't turned off by the revelation that he's not a fighter, because that makes sense, right? The final scene shows a disturbing close-up of Pancada's grinning expression. Bob: *voiceover* And before the credits roll, we're left lingering on this creepy image. Enjoy it as it seeps its way into your subconscious, haunting your nightmares forever... *laughs sinisterly* Bob: So, that was "The Little Panda Fighter", and what else can you really say about it? *voiceover* The animation is crap, the characters look creepy and are pretty unlikeable, the plotholes are confusing even by plothole standards, even the morals are messed up. Everyone lives happily ever after because the main character failed at trying something new? I know that it's a good idea to be true to yourself and claim your own strengths, but if that's the message this movie was trying to go for, I don't see it. Bob: In closing, if you really need to see a "Kung Fu Panda" ripoff, take my advice and go hunt down "Chop Kick Panda". See you later. After his sign-off, "Maniac" by Michael Sembello plays over the credits, which include scenes of Pancada dancing in the movie. Lastly, a clip from "Chop Kick Panda" is shown, in which the main antagonist, Slade, has Bali pinned down. Slade: Your powers are weak! Bali: You can't win, Slade. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. Slade: For the love of Pete, don't start with the Yoda quotes. You did that when we were kids and it drove me bonkers. Bali: '''Actually, it's Obi-Wan, not Yoda. '''Slade: '''I don't care if it was Jar-Jar Pickles! '''Bali: '''Binks. '''Slade: Insufferable fool! Bali: I can't say he's my favorite character, either. Category:Worst Movies of All Time Category:Transcripts